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10/12/2006: "Weird"
music: Madonna - Justify My Lovemood: full
I am not, by nature, a social person. I never got over that irritating childhood shyness. Being a RollerGirl has forced me to attempt a complete personal 180 that has been strange and good and bad and hard these last 6 months or so. I'm trying really hard to actually trust people. I'm not sure I've ever been able to do that and I'm not sure if I'll ever be good at it. It's one of the ways I deal with my natural doormat personality.
Some days are tough. I'll go to practice and hardly say a word. Some days I'll get all fired up and talk and overanalyze everything that comes out of my mouth and get super self-conscious and go back to not talking again.
Blah blah, self esteem, blah blah, social anxiety.
It's nice to be in the company of females again. Nice, but WEIRD. I've had mostly male friends, acquaintences, and roommates since the 7th grade.
Not sure where I'm going with this here. If you know me personally, I apologize for being so socially awkward. I probably won't look into your eyes (I've never done that, not sure why, probably won't start any time soon -- don't take it personally) and I'm really not staring at your chest (I'm short and that's where my eyes naturally fall and I don't even realize it most of the time) and yes, I stutter a bit from time to time (like, Porky Pig style) because my mouth can't keep up with my brain. I have a hard time popping names off the top of my head so I may say "hi there," instead of, "hi [your name]."