03/25/2007: "Arch Nemesis"

music: TV
mood: wheezy

I believe that everyone has an arch nemesis somewhere in the world. Mine is Sandra Lee. My contempt for this woman is so great that if I saw her across the street I would immediately run through rush hour traffic to kick her in the shin.

She's like Martha Stewart's (who I dearly and truly love) untalented bubble-headed little sister who spent her college years bouncing from frat house bedroom to frat house bedroom and snorting coke off the basketball coach's dick. Her shallow bullshit "recipes" and "tablescapes" are distracting rather than informative. Watching her try to work a knife is like watching a dog work a cellphone. The Food Network has taught me that all it takes to score your own TV show and book deals is a garish wardrobe, some fake tits, and the ability to pop open a few cans of condensed soup. I'm sorry, but I cannot take you seriously if you take a butane lighter to reconstituted Jello pudding and call it brulee. And all those alcoholic beverages she makes at the end of every show... well, making a joke about that would be way too easy.

Long live Alton Brown.